my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
