if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
