and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i think i just lost a toe
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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