I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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