I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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