looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
