Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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