New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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