O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
