When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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