my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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