I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
