My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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