You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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