you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I checked into jail on foursquare
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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