Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
