Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
