Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
