Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
