The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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