No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
