I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
