It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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