Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
