Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
