2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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