Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i love accidental penises.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
we should paint friendship bongs
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