proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
