I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
