I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
