There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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