she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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