You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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