I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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