The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Everclear isn't food dammit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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