So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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