I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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