She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
