she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
