Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
