I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
