So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
