it was like eating out sand paper
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
