So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
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What drink are we having for lunch?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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