I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
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i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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