Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
