jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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