Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
