This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
