i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
