I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
