I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
