R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
