i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
