and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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