the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
