Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight

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(313): It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight http://tfl.nu/fbzk

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(740): View more from Ohio

i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina

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(740): i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina http://tfl.nu/02ir

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk

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(713): View more from Texas

well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...

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(713): well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer... http://tfl.nu/85fe

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(210): View more from Texas

masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.

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(210): masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know. http://tfl.nu/gdcq

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(931): I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then. http://tfl.nu/2mcz

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket. http://tfl.nu/odip

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(512): View more from Texas

You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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(512): You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you. http://tfl.nu/zer9

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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(815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2

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(310): View more from California

OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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(310): OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS? http://tfl.nu/ewib

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(516): View more from New York

My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.

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(516): My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit. http://tfl.nu/2g7d

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm

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(513): View more from Ohio

No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?

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(513): No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand? http://tfl.nu/roqu

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls

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(270): Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls http://tfl.nu/fmy4

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