Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
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So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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I can dry shave vagina like a champ
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5