Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol