my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.