I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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